In order to understand what has taken place in the lives of many men and women, it is important to understand the similarities between sports games and sexual games played in relationships. When Kobe Bryant scores a game-winning shot; when Barry Bonds effortlessly knocks a ball out of the park, or when Tiger Woods hits a hole in one we instinctively applaud their efforts. They are often praised for all of their accomplishments. Many athletes often become heroes. Sports and games have become American pastimes that have helped shape the cultural identity of this nation. They are activities that are fun, yet their concept that is very simple.            

A game is a competitive activity in which two or more rivals contend with one another for a level of superiority or victory. It is often an organized program or contest comprised of strategies, a point system to properly determine a winner, and a host of rules to govern the activity of its participants in order to ensure honorable play. At the end of each game a winner is declared. So, one triumphs at the expense of another’s loss. Seems pretty fair, right? Sure it does. However, once this game concept is brought into the confines of a relationship, all hell is bound to break lose.             

Relationships were designed to function in a cooperative, not a competitive arena. It is an institution where two people are committed to working together to produce results that are best for all parties involved. It is a process of thoroughly understanding issues and resolving them in a mutually beneficial way. Such interaction seeks to produce a win/win outcome.             However, the sexual games played by both men and women inevitably create a lose/lose situation. These games are often destructive to both present and future relationships. This destructiveness is why players cannot properly function in relationships. ‘Playas’ normally wind up in connections. Maulana Karenga, professor and author, coined the term ‘Connection.’ There are flesh connections, cash connections and dependency connections. A connection represents an individual who is tied to another for very specific reasons. I’m sure that we can all conjure up an incalculable number of connections that exist. However, the objective of this report is to delve into the intricacies of the flesh/cash connection.            

In order for the game to begin, the player must identify the goal. The individual is often not the prize. However, it is acquiring what that individual has access to that becomes the reward.  For instance, male players see women as objects that perform a specific function: sex. Male players want women for their bodies and the power they feel from the thrill of the conquest. They are likely to seek women who they find beautiful and sexy. Women ‘playas’, on the other hand, see men as a way of obtaining a particular lifestyle they want. Many are status seekers, freeloaders, or women looking for an easy ride (both financially and sexually). Note: Many women crave sex just as much as men do, and are relentless in their pursuit. They seek men who have what they want and then drain them of their resources. These women will bounce from man to man until they find one who falls for their scheme.            

So, while men crave vagina, women crave penis and possessions.  In this warped scenario the bedroom becomes the marketplace and the bed becomes the bartering table from which all transactions are made. Occasionally, when the product is as good as the presentation, everyone’s happy. However, these types of arrangements often turn sour, leaving the other with a raw deal. Why? This game is played under false pretenses. Therefore, satisfaction is never guaranteed. You play at your own risk.            

It’s a game of winner takes all. Either you play or get played. The rules of engagement are simple. There are no rules. No guidelines. No sideline referees monitoring fair play. No flagrant fouls, illegal defense plays or personal penalties. There is a ‘whatever it takes’ mentality. In this game, every player plays for keeps and only the strongest survive. The player’s creed is simple: ‘Nobody gets attached, nobody gets hurt’ and ‘all is fair in lust and war.’ Such a philosophy requires an emotional numbness that detaches the player from all feelings. Why? Because of the old adage: Whoever is the most emotionally committed to the relationship has the least power in it.

Now that we have successfully covered the game concept, let’s take a closer look at its players and the games they play. The male player will succeed until women begin to see through his game. The following is a condensed list of games all male players have mastered. 

1) If you dance to the music, you got to pay the piper
The objective is to create a feeling of indebtedness in the female by making her financially dependent on the man. Therefore, financial favors provided by the man must be reciprocated. It is often accomplished by sexual favors given by the female. The problem with this game is that emotional involvement is completely withdrawn which promotes nothing but a cold and callous sexual business arrangement.

2) If you love me, you will
The male player attempts to coerce the female partner into sexual explorations. The object of the game is to experience sexual self-gratification at the expense of the wishes and desires of the female partner. The statement offered is ‘If you love me, you will’, while the genuine female response is ‘If you love me, you won’t ask’. The male’s statement places a selfish twist on the concept of what love really means. Any relationship based upon selfish gain and satisfaction is doomed.

3) I’m mad (angry)
The male player ventures to initiate a fraudulently hostile environment in order to justifiably retreat from the relationship based upon his own personal ulterior motives. Normally, the male will resort to such devious antics, in order to escape becoming intimate with another female. After the dirty deed is done, contact with the partner is once again initiated with attempts to mend the relationship.

4) I just wanna or let me just…
The male player successfully deceives the female by saying ‘I just want to touch, look, hold, be near or kiss you’ when in reality he is seeking more than he claims. When the agreement on a specific activity is determined, often the momentum of the game is intensified to something not anticipated. This tactic is destructive because the male’s intentions cannot be read, thus clandestinely giving double messages. As a result, it creates an atmosphere of resentment and hostility rendered by the female. The lasting impression is that ‘you can’t trust a man no further than you can see him or throw him’. The female is left thinking that the male is only after one thing: sex! After this experience, the distrust is then perpetuated in future male/female relationships.

5) Putting her to the test
In pursuit of a secure relationship, the male player will often ‘put the female to the test’. It is the testing that often destroys the relationship. The male’s general sentiment is that ‘good girls do not engage in sex on the first date’. Therefore, the male will attempt to go beyond what is generally acceptable in order to determine whether he is dating a ‘good girl’ or not. One of the motives of the game is designed to find a female that he feels he can trust. Often, men who distrust women play this game.

 It has been said that the reason men play games is to hide the insecurities and vulnerabilities they feel. In fact, what men are really looking for is that special woman, who will love him unconditionally. However, the way these men are conditioned, they don’t know how to go about achieving it, and once they get it, how to keep it. Unfortunately, male player isn’t the only one caught up in this sordid lust affair. There is a female counterpart that is just as ruthless. Let’s take a closer look.

The female player will succeed until men begin to see through her game. The following is a condensed list of games female players have mastered.

 1) I won’t…If you don’t or You can’t…If you don’t
This game of sexual power is utilized by the female player to control, manipulate and dominate the male. The notion is that the female sexuality is more valuable than the sexuality of the male. Therefore, the female is able to negotiate her body for favors in the relationship. She will, at times, withhold sexual involvement as a power play to gain other favors. Therefore, both the male and female view sex as a commodity on the stock exchange. This view has led to many broken relationships.

2) I’m mad (angry) or I’ll punish you
This is a game played by the female in which sex is withheld as a form of punishment or revenge. In a marital relationship, sex is supposed to be a regular part of that union. Therefore, sex should be separated from disputes, arguments and disagreements. Withholding sex can become an expensive price to pay, resulting in damaged relationships.

3) Looking for Mr. Right
The premise of this game is that who you marry determines the success and outcome of a marriage rather than the ideas you both hold about marriage. When you seek to secure a mate who meets your innermost fantasies, it can easily become problematic. Fantasies can never be manifested into reality. Therefore, the hidden payoff can never be realized.

4) What kind of girl do you think I am?
This is a game played by the female player early in the relationship. The intention of the game is to create a false sense of worthiness. The trick is to delude the male into thinking that she is a ‘good girl’ and that she would be a ‘bad girl’ if she entertained particular sexual or social proposals. A man attending a relationship seminar once said, “A man can’t turn a ho into a house wife.”

Because of the double standards that exist in our society, many women have become masters of deception. While men are applauded by society for their sexual explorations, women are often shunned. Therefore, many women chose not to be honest about their sexual history. So, once she engages in certain sexual activities, to deceive him, she will often respond with the one liner, “I’ve never done this before.”  This becomes problematic because eventually all the facades and false faces must come down. The male will eventually see her for who she really is and as a result, the game can possibly backfire and ultimately destroy the relationship.

5) You can have me if you catch me; I love you
This dangerous game can lead to an explosive reaction between two players. It’s a perpetual game of ‘catch me’ and ‘catch me again’. The female player consciously flirts with members of the opposite sex while her mate looks on with jealousy. The purpose of the game is for the female to remain attractive to her present mate by demonstrating that other men are attracted to her.

We’ve briefly covered the games played by both men and women. If you want to find out more about the damaging effects of these games purchase Black Thighs, Black Guys & Bedroom Lies today.

(1893 words)

We offer this article on a nonexlusive basis. You may repring or repost this material as long as Hasani Pettiford's name and contact information is included.